13 Treasures I Found When I Procrastinated Cleaned My Desk Instead Of Writing

1. A Thousand Notebooks. I have a dedicated drawer just for blank notebooks, where I assume they spend all night fucking because there’s no way I bought this many.

2. Mysterious Notes. “P needs to kill the G.N.” “What if [scribble] was a cat-[scribble]?” “More blood.” And a long list of names, most of which are crossed out. I can only assume this is proof that I’m a mind-controlled government assassin.

3. This Thing.

12 Ladies



4. Four Pairs of Old Glasses. And two pairs of new ones. And that lens that popped out of my old prescription sunglasses. Not found: the sunglasses themselves. Can only assume they’ve become more pens.

5. A Flash Drive Labelled ‘The Tesseract’. This is either the emergency OS reload key I made back when my laptop betrayed me, or Marvel’s going to send a cease-and-desist to my desk drawer.

6. The Last Easter Egg. From 2015. I hope. It tasted like pencil shavings.Thank You For The Coffee

7. $75 in Movie Theatre Gift Cards. Score!

8. 7 Knives. Including four throwing knives, but not including box cutters.

9. These Fucking Pencils.Fucking Pencils

10. Legions of Pens. I never bought these. No one would buy these. Why are they here? Why are you here, pointy interlopers?

11. Two Rupees. Like from India, not Legend of Zelda.


Pony Army

You came into the wrong NEIGHbourhood, motherfucker.

13. The Original Outline For the Current Novel. HAHAHAHAHAHA no.


A Dozen Things To Do Instead of Write

Procrastination Meter

Redlining yet standing still. (Photo credit: Emilie Ogez)

…That I may or may not have done this week.

1) Clean. Because you know how you hate doing that shit at any other time. Besides, you’re wired to the gills on caffeine. Might as well used that crack-like high to do something productive. Like strip the paint from the walls.

2) Cook. Because right in the middle of a tense scene is a great time to try out that new recipe for braised short ribs. That takes five hours. And intense prep work. And a last-minute grocery run.

3) Exercise. Totally not running away from the story. Just… being healthy. Outdoors. In November. In the sleet.

4) Figure out what’s making that weird noise in the corner of the kitchen. Answer: not a monster. A very old heating pipe. Subdue disappointment and put away monster fighting gear.

5) Finish nearly all of your Xmas shopping. I can be ahead on at least one thing. Now to send them out before next year.

6) Doodle a bunch of character sketches. It’s kind of like working on the story, right?

7) Watch every Gangnam-style video made. The resulting brain haemorrhage will be a merciful death.

8) Re-watch Firefly. Because why the hell not. Also, I could watch that guy get kicked into the jet engine all fucking day.

9) Meaningless personal grooming rituals. Re-dye hair. Give self manicure. See if I can use a Sharpie to connect my freckles into something interesting. (So far: lots of triangles.)

10) Read articles on how to avoid being distracted when writing. Refuse to acknowledge the irony until it just starts to feel awkward and goes away on its own.

11) Conquer the known world. Save unknown world for next week.

12) Finally admit that you have the attention span of a three-year-old on pixie sticks. Get more coffee. Holster up the battle ovaries. Get the fuck back to work.

…I may have some catching up to do.