Side Effects May Include…

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If you write for more than four continuous hours, please call our helpline. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Congratulations, (client’s name)! You have decided to start Writing™. Writing™ is a process that, used every day, can help your creativity and productivity.* It should be taken regularly and continuously. Do not stop Writing™ before the course is completed, or you may have lessened results. Continue with the recommended word count every day until finished, or until your doctor advises you to stop.

However, in addition to the desired action, Writing™ may cause some side effects. These are often minor, but may include:

Increased Spaciness: You may become more inclined to stare into an indeterminate middle distance. Occasionally, you may see things there, such as ideas, plots, characters, or scenes. This is normal. Be sure to tell loved ones not to be alarmed, and warn them that, when speaking to you, they may need to repeat themselves. Several times.

Inexplicable Knowledge: One of the common effects of Writing™ is research. You may find yourself becoming a small expert on such topics as methamphetamine, thermodynamics, and cheetahs. Try not to alarm others by dropping it into random conversation. If this happens, do not panic. Just tell the listener that you did a research paper on the topic in high school that you, for some odd reason, remember verbatim. Or try to enjoy this side effect at trivia nights.

Nighttime Scribbling: This is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes you will feel the urge to write long into the night. Or you may have ideas that need to be recorded when you wake from sleep. Prepare for this side effect by keeping a notepad near your bed, or by stocking up on large quantities of coffee.

Imaginary Friends: Your characters may become real to you. Sometimes they can seem more real than actual people. Do not be alarmed. This is a normal effect of Writing™. However, spouses/children/therapists/police officers may become worried. In order to calm them, make an extra effort not to speak to your characters in public places and/or places you may be observed by people not using Writing™. Examples include: in a movie theatre, at the doctor’s office, and during a parole hearing. Inside your own head, however, is fine.

God Complex: Sometimes people using Writing™ get confused about how much control they exert over the world. Warning signs include trying to make it rain when feeling sad and/or dramatic, walking in slow motion, or repeatedly entering a room in order to “get the opening right”. If this happens, remain calm. At the first opportunity, go back to your computer and find a world you can control. Warning: do not drive, operate heavy machinery, or attempt to Force-choke others while under this effect.

Each person will react differently to Writing™. Use with caution until you adjust, and carefully monitor any side effects. We wish you luck in your creative endeavour!

*Disclaimer: Writing™ works best as part of a balanced lifestyle that includes a healthy diet, exercise, and the occasional social interaction.

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8 thoughts on “Side Effects May Include…

  1. “You may find yourself becoming a small expert on such topics as methamphetamine, thermodynamics, and cheetahs.” <—Literally lol'd at this. And at the entire paragraph of 'God Complex' part. One of your best yet, babe. Up there with '7 Stages of Writing'. Off to share now.

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